Slow was the first pulsation of this heart
but fast would its thrum be through life.
Mother read in the stars on the chart
that we were to embrace you as eventide
embraces the light that is soon to depart.
You unsettled us with the fixated yellow grin:
we knew sanity and your smile were apart
from the moment you held the bluntest knife
and set into mother’s skin a most demonic art.
I drank the ink
poured down the sink
then sank a little lower
I wish to think
with lenses pink
I’ve wisdom of a knower
But I confess
I am a mess
as shown within my stanza
So I shall dress
my deep distress
with adjective organza
I gave the voices your tongue to hear their words in the voice of another. How differently I hate myself when the recital of criticism takes on a separate tone. The ex-plosives are missed as your snipes detonate in an uglier timbre. The richness of that trill is taken as an ever renewing esteem tithe, gradually depreciating my self-belief’s valuations so the bare bones can be given back to the earth cost free. Would the words you made me delete have made any difference? They’ll greet me when I finally give into the bitterness and momentarily regret all I hadn’t the chance to regret before.
Dangled cold toes under hot taps
Weary bones that cry to collapse.
With night she is blessed
with peaceful request
that she rest
in it's traps.
When awoken, as sun shines brightly,
the rattled chest clenches tightly.
Warmed by a shiver
death doth order her:
Known not as seed but seedling
Etched in photographic memories
That sear white hot in absent flesh.
The body, too barren to hold onto
What little life it longed to give love,
Still scarred grievously in self-loathing.
Small roots, that wished themselves
To dig happiness from within fear,
Found the ground soil to be lacking.
But the sunlight would soon set,
Bringing unfathomable darkness
And cold typhoons of destruction.
To compensate for the deficiency,
The sapling clung to a cracking pot
That recklessly scratched at itself.
Soon the chippings stacked higher
Than the edges had ever reached
And the contents were strewn away.
Wretched sorrow bled for hours
Until the mud was thick as paste,
Coating the future in a tacky glaze
Of tormented jealousy and longing.
No fruits or labors could bare bark
Thick enough to be unfeeling.
Other trees grew in orchards of poison,
Their branches reaching outward,
Upward to the glistening sun.
How spiritless must this grove be
To have only produced heartache
In place of a vibrant linden tree.
Written to a picture prompt from the former Facebook group: Stardust Poetry
Do you have to scrub your skin too?
Scratch off it’s surface over and over
Until twenty burning layers away
From the tracks of unwanted caress?
Remember as the acid seeps through
And you lose that arrogant composure,
That I am only just beginning to play
With these things that helps me ‘process.’
Have you ever had to show your face
When no-one knows the predator won?
Force a smile, a dead eyed, dull grin,
Hoping when friends hug you don’t flinch.
Centre of the tooth, with nerve in place,
I’ll drill a hole through every single one,
Thread through each a fine steel string
To pull them slow with a hand crank winch.
When you’ve walked passed each other
Have you been filled with complete terror?
Did you grasp tightly at your fabric clothes
As though they’ll protect from the shame?
It’s so gratifying to watch as you suffer.
The chemicals turned your skin to leather
It’s time to cut that wailing tongue into rows
I hope I don’t strike a vein, I like this game.
Does the night bring back all the memories
That weigh you down with its terrifying grip?
Do you hope that by the morning sunrise
Your heart would stop it’s painful beating?
I’d quit the whining, there are no remedies
As I watch you choke behind glued lips.
I can’t stand to be devoured by your eyes
But a pin prick will remove their seeing.
Are your days filled with asking why?
Blaming yourself for being the prey,
Breaking yourself down ‘til you barely exist
Pretending it never hurt you that much.
I’m sure you’re all but ready to die?
But you don’t look like your inner decay!
I’ll let you decompose in your own shit
Because a touch is not just a touch.