Images move animatedly across the tv screen, Sounds are blended into the background noise, The foreground filled with heavy breathing, The satiation of pleasure between two, Summed up by title of ‘Netflix and chill.’ The sequel, a follow up on two series merging, Finally born, gendered by the pink onsie, The gentle curves of tassels and bows, And the growing basket of perfectly painted, Single expression, pose-able dolls. Years of playing courting, marriage, Nuclear house, one ken, one barbie, and baby, Of traditionalism imposed in playtime, destroyed. The babe who once played with dolls, Becomes the doll in the tent playing with her bae. Within a flash, the two are married, Both taking and barrelling their surnames, Living equal in their roles, life, and love, Until the hourglass is empty, And the grieving hold their umbrellas in the rain.
Yous are ruining my life Belts an immature Geordie tongue Stomp, Stomp, Stomp Up the stairs she runs. Slam She shuts the door. Thump She throws herself onto her bed. I hate yous Screeches her juvenile lungs Stomp, Stomp, Stomp Up the stairs she runs. Slam She shuts the door. Thump She throws herself onto her bed. You’re not a very nice mummy Shouts the crying child. Stomp, Stomp, Stomp Up the stairs she runs. Slam She shuts the door. Thump She throws herself onto her bed. * I told her she couldn’t have chocolate for breakfast
The scissors final snip liberates me of the locks over grown, And creates a new silhouette around my face, One that sat similar to a past one, but as a newer rendition. The colour a combination of fading hues, out grown bleach, and dark roots, The sides shaven short, and the top left long and loose. I felt like a renewed me, a different individual, No longer defined by the frugality of an overgrown home cut, But shaped by the hands of a professional. Living as though a person pampered, showered in shallow luxuries. Looking at my reflection and regaining the power I felt for too long was lost. But the power was not the item lost to me most, No, for I have lost my definition. I am at the whims of the family I hold together, As my equal seems to drown in the life we have found ourselves in, I hold afloat our raft, and provide for the three of us a sanctuary. The safety net is spread wide enough to catch them and their baggage, As my baggage is dragging through the murky waters behind us. Each case holding a different aspect of me, A portion hidden away indefinitely, until time allows me to unpack. My heart cradles a child spawned from a careless woman. A mother who desired a babe, but couldn’t protect the child, Whose selfishness took over her instincts in favour of a demon. The child loves me unconditionally, and I love more in return, Handing over the remaining half of each breath I take, Giving her each second heartbeat, and most every thought. I ferry her across the unwelcoming seas, bearing the waves myself, As she dances blissfully unaware of the storms we pass through. But motherhood is not my definition, only an inherited title, One I clench my hands tightly around to keep, but one I fear also. I am spread thinly across each bag that floats along with us, The literate, the musical, the angry, the calm, the loud, the quiet, Among some of the guises interchangeably worn, but put back, Restrained back into their hides, as I try to establish the singular face to wear, Unknowingly losing any further identity in my search for one. Writing under a name not given, but chosen, picked like cherries, And not wanting liberation from anything other than myself. Realizing maybe this is the meaning of grown, or maybe this is the meaning of trapped.
Small, fragile, and bursting with colour, Sweet Lily flower sits beneath storm clouds, But only sees the sun, Bowing to its beauty, Dancing petals across memories, Before the rain that's soon to come. Though the water weighs heavy, And storm acts unrelenting, Dear Lily flower stands firm, As the drops pluck slowly at her soil. Had I known before, The hurt that rain would cause, I'd have marched with my umbrella, Held steadfast above her smile, And bore the rain myself. The soil she laid in was rotten, And littered with debris, So I softly moved the compost, And pulled out all the weeds. Now her roots have settled, In the new garden she'll now grow, Where I can watch over her, And shield her from the storms. Bare witness to her strength, And the beauty that she holds.
The unborn soul haunts me, Digging claws in deeper. Pulling my feelings into contortion. Why aren't they in Heaven? Has she brought them here? I wanted to be a good mother, I wanted to hold her when she cried, It was my fault I couldn't, Not hers. I was careless and stupid and young. Are there cradles in Heaven? Does a better person rock her to sleep at night? Do they tell her she is loved and cared for? Does she know I love her and I'm sorry? Do they tell her I'm her mother? Or am I the devil who left her there forever? It's hard to be a woman When you should have been a mother. I'm in no high regard with God, I'm written on none of the entry lists, I accept this duly. Has she grown at all? She'd be older now, right? Or is she cursed to her prenatal form? Does her daddy visit her? Does he look into her eyes with love? Or does he avoid her gaze from hating me?
Why is love pain? The unhealing wound, The deepest cut, The loudest cry. Why is love pain? The broken heart, The teardrops, The weeping eye; Why is love pain? The crying child, The bank account, The earnest shout.