A soft willow tree, Sits on her arm. 25 lines in total. Right now shown in deep autumn red, But they'll be white by winter.
Her Tree
Reply
Tag Archives: sadness
Not So Tall Now
I stand tall at 5 foot 5 inches short. Weighed down by the grief, The struggling torment of loss. The guilt of having helped, Aided so inadequately. I stand tall at 5 foot 0 inches short. Stunted by the childless womb That I coldly and selfishly bare. The sin of youthful carelessness Stripping my claim of having mothered. I stand at 4 foot 7 inches short, only. Shrunk by the burning depression That I can't seem to kick. My only employment today Is self-hatred and tears. I rest at 4 foot 2 inches short, roughly. Dragged down by hatred, The ostracization of my true self. Unaccounted for in my mistakes, Not responsible for my choices. I stand, cowering at 1 foot. Not so tall now. Life, I screwed up, Beat myself down.
Are There Cradles in Heaven?
The unborn soul haunts me, Digging claws in deeper. Pulling my feelings into contortion. Why aren't they in Heaven? Has she brought them here? I wanted to be a good mother, I wanted to hold her when she cried, It was my fault I couldn't, Not hers. I was careless and stupid and young. Are there cradles in Heaven? Does a better person rock her to sleep at night? Do they tell her she is loved and cared for? Does she know I love her and I'm sorry? Do they tell her I'm her mother? Or am I the devil who left her there forever? It's hard to be a woman When you should have been a mother. I'm in no high regard with God, I'm written on none of the entry lists, I accept this duly. Has she grown at all? She'd be older now, right? Or is she cursed to her prenatal form? Does her daddy visit her? Does he look into her eyes with love? Or does he avoid her gaze from hating me?
When The Words Have Left
When the words have left, The room falls silent, Tension hangs in the air, Going stale in the still mouths, Leaving that bitter taste, Of not knowing what to say, Of saying too little.
Indescribable
If it were only possible, I would put it in a way, A concise, simple way, Then you'd understand. Then you'd know the fear, Of drowning with no water, When no droplets are present. Of feeling the air, empty, Leave your lungs, With no replacement breath. Then you'd see, That black shroud of an umbrella, I carry around with me. It doesn't close, won't or can't. I'm always under its covers. Then you'd notice it, When the sun shines through, I reach for it, try to grab it. But also how I hurt, When I can't take any with me. How terrible it is to see joy, Knowing how good it feels, But no feeling it. Then you'd feel the terror, The pure horror of loneliness. The madness it ensues, The longing it forms inside. But also the pain it causes, When the mind turns to itself, Filled only with hate, Wishing for pain. Then the guilt, Not for sin, for selfishness. Knowing others would be better At living this life than you, And yet, wanting so badly, Not to have it anymore.
Cream White
Cream white skin, They possessed, Innocence, purity, trust, Why must children possess Everything you desire? They are perfection, perfection, Yet you seek to destroy them. When they sleep, Only dreams should grace them, Not fear, not torment, Just dreams, Of new bikes, toys, happiness. They are perfect, Not worth giving any pain, Perfect, beautiful, They don't deserve it. Yet you hurt them, destroy their innocence, Burn their purity, Torture the child, Kill their absolution. They are beautiful, Gorgeous, children, Even after you're pain. And no-one could stop it. You hurt them. You destroy their person-hood, Their lives And no-one can give that back. NO ONE
Tell Me
You listen, Do words make sense? Does it put you at ease? Do you enjoy it? Whose pain are you treating? Do you hurt any less? Does it help? Is your mind not burning? Does your head not spin? Do you need confessions? Does it make you thrive? I need to know, Does that keep you alive? Would you share all your secrets? Or at least tell me? Or would you just listen? Listen to my pain, and add it to yours? Or maybe you don't? Are you really listening? Do you realise I'm talking? Do you hear those painful things? Do you hear what she is saying? Do you realise she's broken? Do you see she's shattered? Are your eyes not open? Can't you tell it's deeper? That something's missing? A meaning behind pain? Or maybe not.
It Had to be Said
It had to be said, No more lies, or stories, No more running away. It just had to be said. Or it never would, The explosion would have killed, Crucified, murdered, burned, The last aspects of ourselves. It had to be said, No more pretending, No more faking everything, It had to be said. Or we'd never know. If we'd have been free, To fell, to love, to cherish, Anything ever again. It had to be said, No more secrets, No more twisting the truth, It had to be said. Or I would have been dragged. Pulled away from me, The remnants left behind, contorted and burned. It had to be said, No more sleepless nights, No more pointless arguments, It had to be said. Or I will be the guilty party. I will be the one who lied, I'd have been the one who hurt, Who burned everything in your eyes. It had to be said, No more silence, or quiet, No more deceit. It. Had. To. Be. Said. Or I'd be someone I can't be. I'd want what I can't have, I'd love what isn't mine, But not what is. It had to be said, No more tears, They'll dry, No more hating, hurting. It had to be said.
21/07/20–
The water is rising, It was at my ankles, I could cope, even at my knees, I could cope. Now it's by my neck. The temperature, not hot, Not cold, not neither. It's the grasp. Firm. The push. Heavy. I can't cope. Not this high, Not when I can't breathe, Not when I can't shout, I can't call out. The paralysis starts. At first it's just numb. It feels weird to move. But I can do it. It increases, debilitates, holds back. First my head won't lift, Then my legs curl up. Then Freeze. My core feels empty. My arms wrap around me, Embraced and unmoved. I can't move, my will has gone. My eyes shut, still. The hatred boils, At no-one outside, Directed only inside, Every word I say, wrong, Every breath, too loud, Every tear, pathetic, Every ounce of pain, deserved. No happiness owed, Just hatred to the self.
Why Does it Hurt?
Why does it hurt to love you so much? And know my love is not returned. It's like being the beggar in a gallery, Falling for a painting, Knowing it will never be a centre-piece In the hallway. Why does it hurt to love you so much? Knowing it's just my heart. To see you in pain burns my soul, Because you have no obligation to it, No cause or reason, it feeds desire, To protect, to comfort, to hold. Why does it hurt to love you so much? Even if I'm just another person. No matter how much I think I know, I will never be let it. You torture yourself as I watch, In this twisted horror picture show. Why does it hurt to love you so much? Yet I swear you just want my pain. It is your desire to feel normal, You listen, purely to know you're not alone. Not to fully care I know. Why does it hurt to love you so much? To have had you in my arms, To have been in your arms, To have felt that content, In myself, in my company. And yet, Know it will never be mine
The Poet Armistead 