You’ll Never Know

You'll never understand his humour.
The way he said hello, without even using a greeting.
His intelligence will never fit with yours
The same way his fingers sit perfectly with mine.

You'll never believe the transparency of his emotions,
But that's because you'll never trust the way he does,
Or care about his opinions the way he does mine,
When he's imagining the house you'll one day share.


You'll find his sarcasm rude or offensive,
But that's because he doesn't tell you he loves you all the time.
You'll never hear the static on the line because he won't hang up,
He never wants to say goodbye, so we talk for even longer.

You'll get a smirk, but never see his smile,
Or the way those baby blue eyes glisten at you,
But that's because you'll never be stood,
Embracing under the falling water together.

You won't hear him try and speak French,
Because, even if he can't say the words correctly,
He knows it will make me smile.
And if that fails, Alan Rickman will save the day.

You'll never get to steal his hoodies,
Because he shares his warmth and his life with me.
He knows being in his arms feels safe,
But also how often the firm hand is craved.

You'll never share that stolen dance before leaving,
And he'll never forgo his comfort for you,
But we'll sleep in the most uncomfortable bed,
Just to hold me close, even if it's selfish of me.

You won't find kisses softer than his,
Nor end a night with such intense love.
He'll never open bottles for you in the morning,
Because he's making sure I'm not thirsty this morning.

You won't see the value in a walking IMDB,
But you don't even know who Lars Von Trier is!
And you'll never get to joke that he's part yeti,
Because I'm the one using his chest as a pillow.

You'll never get a tour from an awful guide,
And still have a fantastic day together,
Because he will share my headphones and music,
And enjoy not having to say anything at all.

You won't be encouraged to chase your dreams,
Because he's too busy making time for me,
Too busy understanding my views and interests,
And keeping his mind open to a new viewpoint.

You'll never know why he's so great to cuddle,
Or why he is willing to tell you everything,
Because he's listening to me sing to random songs,
Even if I'm not putting any effort in.

You'll never understand that he's just him,
Because you'd take him for granted, and he never would.
He's too busy putting all his efforts into
Writing the perfect poem to steal my heart again.


You'll never have someone know what you like
Or someone who's willing to wait quite so long,
Because he knows that you should be serious
Especially when in love.


You will never get, know or have this from him,
Because you don't love him, nor he you.
I have had, know and get this from him,
Because I love him, and he loves me too.

Void

We used to sit and talk,
Until the late hours.
But tonight I sit alone,
A cold void next to me,
My only company,
A cigarette, lit of strawberry,
Like the ones we ate in the summer.

Tonight no laughter,
No giggles at the trivial.
You used to stroke my hair,
And say 'Baby,
'You should get some sleep.'
I'd laugh, I knew,
Really you were tired.

We'd lie on the bed,
Gazing at the ceiling,
As if it was a star lit sky,
Repeatedly say goodnight,
And laugh between.
Perhaps exchange tender kisses.

But no kisses tonight,
No repeated good-nights,
No childish laughter.
Just emptiness, void.

Maybe I'm always looking,
To find you again,
To have those times.
But I won't find you.
I need to relearn love,
It's differences, it's newness.
But I won't open my heart,
Not yet, I'm not ready.

I've loved others,
Made love with others,
But the depth, complexity,
Is missing, empty.

My whole heart buried,
Beneath the grass we led on,
One day I'll let go enough,
To take it back.
But I find solace,
​In the void it leaves.

Internal Anguish

For so long I've formed pain,
Held it within my four walls,
Within the structure of myself.

I learned this to be unhealthy,
Destructive to my personality,
So I believed expression was key,
To let it all flow freely,
Unfiltered, from my lips.

You encouraged me to talk,
I reciprocated such action,
Believing you willing to listen,
And knowing my ears are open.

As I learned to open up,
Began to find release,
I faced judgement, more pain.
You couldn't deal with what I held back.

I'll be no fool again, like this,
All previously thought progression,
Now clearly regression.
So I apologize for my blindness.

I'll not let the world know my pain,
I'll keep my internal anguish,
Even if I crumble inside, then out,
It must be less than external hate.

I'll retreat back to myself,
Keep in my bubble, where I'm safe.
Never to be scolded again,
By a fire that others fuelled.

I'll embrace my internal anguish,
Understand it as my only companion,
Never to be betrayed by tongues,
Relaying information untrue,
Or turned, or twisted, or even honest.
People cannot cope with my pain,
So I'll no longer seek advice.

The End 15-8-15

We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel tank pierced,
Petrol dripping.
He sits in the driver’s seat,
You sit next to him.
I find a match,
A small piece of wood
And with the first
I light the second.
Wood, unlit end first
Pushed under the car.
I get in the backseat.
I cry, I'm scared.
You look back.
You nod.
Smoke. No flames.
No noise.
No end.


We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel take pierced,
Petrol dripping.
You take my hand
Comforting my cries.
I nod.
He sits in the driver’s seat.
You sit in the passenger’s seat.
I light a plank of wood,
I place it below the car.
I sit in the backseat.
I wait and wait.
I'm crying and crying.
You reach back.
You give me your hand.
You tell me you're sure,
That you'll be there,
You'll hold my hand to the end.
That you've seen it,
The cruelty of the world,
That it's enough.
We wait.
No smoke, no fire.
No end.


We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel tank pierced,
Petrol dripping.
You hold me close.
Lead me to the backseat.
I sit, crying and broken.
You sit beside me,
Warm, comforting.
You hold me while the pain
Escapes through the silent,
Distraught, and shattered sobs.
He used the wood,
To trail,
Line,
Trace.
The petrol, his instrument,
The final piece of art.
He lights the end.
He walks to the car.
He sits in the driver’s seat.
You stroke my hair as you watch
Flames dancing in smaller circles
That stop. Too Early.
No continuance.
No End.


We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel tank pierced.
Petrol dripping.
You tell me it's okay.
I listen.
He takes my hand.
He leads me forward.
He knows what comes after.
You sit in the driver’s seat.
He and I trail the petrol.
One straight line.
We light the end.
He sits in the backseat.
I sit next to him.
Calm, collected.
You say nothing.
You mean nothing.
You show nothing.
He holds me in an embrace.
Kisses the top of my head.
Tightens his grip around me.
I know he loves me.
You mean nothing in your silence.
I look at you,
Silently beg for a word,
A murmur, a mumble.
I ask for your hand.
You move.
​You open the door.
I beg you with my tears.
You put your leg out.
I crumple into him.
You leave the car.
His grip holds me.
I call out your name.
He comforts me.
You walk away.
He wipes every tear.
You pause once.
I look up.
You walk on.
He pulls me closer.
You leave the room.
The fire spreads,
Engulfs - Consumes.
You close the door.
You regret.

The car explodes.
The flames dominate.
He guides me on.
He knows this place.
He tells me he missed me.
I grip his hand.
This is it.
The End.

Why Does it Hurt?

Why does it hurt to love you so much?
And know my love is not returned.
It's like being the beggar in a gallery,
Falling for a painting,
Knowing it will never be a centre-piece
In the hallway.

Why does it hurt to love you so much?
Knowing it's just my heart.
To see you in pain burns my soul,
Because you have no obligation to it,
No cause or reason, it feeds desire,
To protect, to comfort, to hold.

Why does it hurt to love you so much?
Even if I'm just another person.
No matter how much I think I know,
I will never be let it.
You torture yourself as I watch,
In this twisted horror picture show.

Why does it hurt to love you so much?
Yet I swear you just want my pain.
It is your desire to feel normal,
You listen, purely to know you're not alone.
Not to fully care I know.

Why does it hurt to love you so much?
To have had you in my arms,
To have been in your arms,
To have felt that content,
In myself, in my company. And yet,
Know it will never be mine

Options

I'll admit, I'm Picky,
Options don't suit me,
Choices are too many for my liking.
Two, three or over four,
I'm purely indecisive.

Staying is an option,
I'd be at liberty to take,
Should life stop pushing and pulling,
Because I'll be honest,
Leaving is the worst.

I'd say I love him,
But I'd be lying,
Especially when I know how I feel,
But I daren't say,
Life is not that easy.

I'd say I love you,
But my lips won't,
My heart betrays them like that.
The option's there,
My soul thinks so too.

I Don’t Want to Sleep

If I close my eyes,
I'll lose that image,
Your smile will fade.

If the night consumes me,
I'll have to wait again,
Anticipate the morning,
Where I'll be closer again.

If the rest encompasses me,
I'll not be able to feel,
The soft movement of your breath,
The steady rhythm of your heart,
the tenderness of your touch.

If I fall into a dream,
Will I remember you're there?
Will you leave me in the night?
Will I move too far away?
Would you let go of me?
Would I even notice?

If I go to sleep,
Will you still look at me the same?
Would the night become a dream?
Will I still feel the same?
Will you still smile at me?
Will I wake up at home?
Will I still be happy?

I don't want to sleep.
This is the best dream I've had.
It can't stop.