Lost Reason

Simplicity: a joy that's been lost,
Processes interrupt its ease,
Disturbs its function.
Simplicity: something I currently crave,
People, tasks, processes, all prevent this,
Make my life more difficult.

Success: something I haven't already achieved,
But am now prevented from achieving further,
By those who decide my life blindly.
Success: the necessary  goal of my life,
That despite all my hard work,
Others strive to prevent.

Reason: the motivation to fight until now,
The point of working so hard,
The future I want to attain.
Reason: the drive I've now lost,
The point clouded in beatings.
But one day I'll find it again.

Are There Cradles in Heaven?

The unborn soul haunts me,
Digging claws in deeper.
Pulling my feelings into contortion.
Why aren't they in Heaven?
Has she brought them here?
I wanted to be a good mother,
I wanted to hold her when she cried,
It was my fault I couldn't,
Not hers.
I was careless and stupid and young.

Are there cradles in Heaven?
Does a better person rock her to sleep at night?
Do they tell her she is loved and cared for?
Does she know I love her and I'm sorry?
Do they tell her I'm her mother?
Or am I the devil who left her there forever?

It's hard to be a woman
When you should have been a mother.
I'm in no high regard with God,
I'm written on none of the entry lists,
I accept this duly.

Has she grown at all?
She'd be older now, right?
Or is she cursed to her prenatal form?
Does her daddy visit her?
Does he look into her eyes with love?
Or does he avoid her gaze from hating me?

How Will I be Remembered

How will you remember me?
As a schlemihl? As a schmuck?
As the one who was helpful,
But always deceived.
As a lunkhead who fell for lies?
As the one who always gave,
But was never to receive.

How will you remember me?
As the gregarious one? As social?
As the one who didn't fear the world,
But always felt constrained.
As the benevolent one? Unconditional?
As the one who acted amicably,
But was met with antagonism.

How will you remember me?
As the auspicious one? On track?
As the one who strived to achieve,
But meet obstacles.
As the triumphant? The fortuitous?
As the one who tried,
But put themselves last.

Void

We used to sit and talk,
Until the late hours.
But tonight I sit alone,
A cold void next to me,
My only company,
A cigarette, lit of strawberry,
Like the ones we ate in the summer.

Tonight no laughter,
No giggles at the trivial.
You used to stroke my hair,
And say 'Baby,
'You should get some sleep.'
I'd laugh, I knew,
Really you were tired.

We'd lie on the bed,
Gazing at the ceiling,
As if it was a star lit sky,
Repeatedly say goodnight,
And laugh between.
Perhaps exchange tender kisses.

But no kisses tonight,
No repeated good-nights,
No childish laughter.
Just emptiness, void.

Maybe I'm always looking,
To find you again,
To have those times.
But I won't find you.
I need to relearn love,
It's differences, it's newness.
But I won't open my heart,
Not yet, I'm not ready.

I've loved others,
Made love with others,
But the depth, complexity,
Is missing, empty.

My whole heart buried,
Beneath the grass we led on,
One day I'll let go enough,
To take it back.
But I find solace,
​In the void it leaves.

The Man and The Flower

Stumbling footsteps graced the earth,
Contorting the shrubbery under their weight,
Twisting the roots in their shallow graves.
All things ruined and changed,
Bar a single flower.
He plucks it from its sheath,
Revelling in the intricate swirls on its petals.
 
He falls back onto the sodden ground,
Marvelling in the phenomena before him.
The single intricate flower,
That survived his onslaught of steps.
 
‘I ought to place it by my ear’
He giggled to himself.
‘Or perhaps on my lapel’
He retorted to himself.
‘Either would be fashionable’
He replied. To himself.
 
He lay back on the bed of leaves,
Captured in the beauty of the petals.
Knowing full well he ought to stand,
Ought to remove himself from the floor,
But deciding it easier,
Simpler even,
To just lay there.
A single flower in his hand,
His worldly possession,
His only ownership.
The nurse pulls him from the floor,
Removing the toothpick from his fingers,
And leading him to the bed.
He feels the leaves fall from his back,
Leaving the wet outlines on his vest.
 
‘Our final concern for your father’
The doctor said to the woman before him,
‘Is his persistent hallucination…’

The Quiet Night and The Meditator

No words, or phrases,
Just a still night.
A single body sat,
Draped in a coral shirt,
Leaning over the water's edge,
Toes tickling the cool liquid.
 
Nothing too hard to think about,
Nothing too simple to neglect.
A single body sat,
Not a worry in the world,
Next to the picnic basket,
And old wooden banjo.
 
No love, or hate,
Just a quiet night,
A single body sat,
Beneath the willow,
Protected from the world,
The busy streets,
And the noise of the car.
 
No companion, or nuisance,
Just the minds-eye.
A meditator sits,
For another round,
Another attempt at bliss.
A gentle breath,
The only sound.

Internal Anguish

For so long I've formed pain,
Held it within my four walls,
Within the structure of myself.

I learned this to be unhealthy,
Destructive to my personality,
So I believed expression was key,
To let it all flow freely,
Unfiltered, from my lips.

You encouraged me to talk,
I reciprocated such action,
Believing you willing to listen,
And knowing my ears are open.

As I learned to open up,
Began to find release,
I faced judgement, more pain.
You couldn't deal with what I held back.

I'll be no fool again, like this,
All previously thought progression,
Now clearly regression.
So I apologize for my blindness.

I'll not let the world know my pain,
I'll keep my internal anguish,
Even if I crumble inside, then out,
It must be less than external hate.

I'll retreat back to myself,
Keep in my bubble, where I'm safe.
Never to be scolded again,
By a fire that others fuelled.

I'll embrace my internal anguish,
Understand it as my only companion,
Never to be betrayed by tongues,
Relaying information untrue,
Or turned, or twisted, or even honest.
People cannot cope with my pain,
So I'll no longer seek advice.

My Silence

You should know,
My silence is wrong,
You're quiet and content,
I am loud and proud.
Yet my silence has gone
continually unquestioned.
I am not one for silence,
Can't you see, at all?
I'm shout it so loud,
without words or sounds.
I need you to help me.
I need you to save me.
The agony is built up,
Years of things unsaid.
I can't say them to you,
But at least notice!
Don't push me away more,
I need you to be there more,
Now more than ever!
Don't leave me in this silence!

Save Me...