Tag Archives: mental health

The Happy Slap and the Freight Train

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It was meant to be breakfast,
To kill the hangover, fix us up.
Then the happy slap came,
A worry, concern, conversed,
Inquired, checked, asked,
He told me you were low,
Images of the ground rising,
Swallowing you whole,
Appeared in my mind.
Common, but surprising.
I know the feeling all too well.

The freight train hit.
Your pain, in all its mental manifestations,
Dreams, longing for more,
For a physical affliction.
An emptiness formed inside me,
Guilt encapsulated me, held me,
That moment, I heard enough,
The detonator had been pulled,
You are too important,
Too vital to this world.

21/07/20–

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The water is rising,
It was at my ankles,
I could cope, even at my knees,
I could cope.
Now it's by my neck.
The temperature, not hot,
Not cold, not neither.
It's the grasp. Firm.
The push. Heavy.
I can't cope. Not this high,
Not when I can't breathe,
Not when I can't shout,
I can't call out.

The paralysis starts.
At first it's just numb.
It feels weird to move.
But I can do it.
It increases, debilitates, holds back.
First my head won't lift,
Then my legs curl up.
Then Freeze.
My core feels empty.
My arms wrap around me,
Embraced and unmoved.
I can't move, my will has gone.
My eyes shut, still.

The hatred boils,
At no-one outside,
Directed only inside,
Every word I say, wrong,
Every breath, too loud,
Every tear, pathetic,
Every ounce of pain, deserved.
No happiness owed,
Just hatred to the self.

Rediscover

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Hearing your voice,
Made me rediscover:
The wonders of smooth jazz,
How the notes seamlessly,
Easily, twist and turn.
How the double bass,
With it's step ladder pluck,
Eases my soul.
How the saxophone,
Can take my emotions,
And blend them into one
Continuous flow of joy.

Hearing your laugh,
Made me rediscover:
The beauty of sunshine.
How it gives the gift of life,
Of light and growth.
How when I see it,
When I feel its warmth,
I am content and graced.
How its rays turn to my skin,
Bronzes it a soft golden tan,
And leaves tender kisses of health,
To my next few days.

Seeing your face,
Made me rediscover:
The beauty of all forms of art.
How an artist, with his brush,
Uses tone and shade as expression.
How a musicians plays,
With every ounce of himself,
Bearing all to an audience.
How a poet, takes words,
Not for granted, but as gift,
Tools from our cognitive ability,
To share, express, to feel.

Your warm embrace,
Made me rediscover:
Just who I am.
How my loyalty always stands,
For those I care about.
How I'd willing lay down my life,
To save, protect and guarantee,
My loved ones thrive.
How I see the world,
Observe people, watch closely,
To find the inner beauty,
Which all possess

Where

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Where should I stand,
In the corner?
Head bowed
Trying to prove my guilty side,
That it was always right?

Where should I stand?
Behind the pews?
Hands clasped
Asking for forgiveness from a god
That I never believed.

Where should I stand?
In the middle of the ocean?
Chest tight
Breath choked out of my lungs,
like the truth.

Where should I stand?
On a sandy beach?
Toes spread
Celebrating my only victory of
Conquering my own mind.

Where should I stand?
Before your eyes?
Nervous - shaking
Waiting to be judged - scolded,
Applauded - hated - loved.

Where do I stand?

Painful Shore

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The water trembles between my toes,
But the tide is yet to move,
Comforting solace repels the waves.
Sun holding itself from truth.

The sand here burns, melts away breath,
Chastising the silence, making it screech and bend.

But the water is cooling.
The tide is calming.
The waves bring comfort.
The sun still holds the truth.

The day time twists, pulling tightly,
Taking the last part of itself to keep for sure.

But the water has gone.
No tide exists, no waves.
The sun has set.

Not One For Smiling

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He's not the one for smiling,
He loves his darkness so.
Everything a shade of black,
With stains of unwanted heart beats.

He wallows in his own sorrow,
But edges the worst away by blade,
He has a girl, a lover,
He sees collateral, a hostage.

More than a major depressive,
Un-controlled by Prozac, or Clozapine,
Prone to miss a dose,
And not scared to overdose.

He doesn't give a damn,
Tries to defend those around,
But loses his own battle,
Loses his own mind.