You’ve Returned

My Dearest Armistead,
​
What has kept you for all this time?
Has the pen weighed too heavily in your hand?
Did the words seem too fleeting to write?

I hope you were happy.
We shared such dark times before,
Times that only a writer and their mask can share.
Are we picking up where we left off,
Broken and shattered?
Or have some pieces been reassembled?
Let’s hope this glue is stronger.

I see your life is very different now.
You carry more grief upon your shoulders.
I worry Armistead, will those shoulders hold?
And your smile, how long 'til it fades again?
Aren’t you scared?
We tend to bring out the worst in each other,
Focus on the wretchedness of your life,
And rip the last bandages away,
Exposing the emptiest parts of your soul.

Oh how I have missed you.

Now, Armistead,
Let’s get to work again, shall we?

Regards,
Armistead.

Definition Lost

The scissors final snip liberates me of the locks over grown,
And creates a new silhouette around my face,
One that sat similar to a past one, but as a newer rendition.
The colour a combination of fading hues, out grown bleach, and dark roots,
The sides shaven short, and the top left long and loose.
I felt like a renewed me, a different individual,
No longer defined by the frugality of an overgrown home cut,
But shaped by the hands of a professional.
Living as though a person pampered, showered in shallow luxuries.
Looking at my reflection and regaining the power I felt for too long was lost.
But the power was not the item lost to me most,
No, for I have lost my definition.
 
I am at the whims of the family I hold together,
As my equal seems to drown in the life we have found ourselves in,
I hold afloat our raft, and provide for the three of us a sanctuary.
The safety net is spread wide enough to catch them and their baggage,
As my baggage is dragging through the murky waters behind us.
Each case holding a different aspect of me,
A portion hidden away indefinitely, until time allows me to unpack.
My heart cradles a child spawned from a careless woman.
A mother who desired a babe, but couldn’t protect the child,
Whose selfishness took over her instincts in favour of a demon.
 
The child loves me unconditionally, and I love more in return,
Handing over the remaining half of each breath I take,
Giving her each second heartbeat, and most every thought.
I ferry her across the unwelcoming seas, bearing the waves myself,
As she dances blissfully unaware of the storms we pass through.
But motherhood is not my definition, only an inherited title,
One I clench my hands tightly around to keep, but one I fear also.
 
I am spread thinly across each bag that floats along with us,
The literate, the musical, the angry, the calm, the loud, the quiet,
Among some of the guises interchangeably worn, but put back,
Restrained back into their hides, as I try to establish the singular face to wear,
Unknowingly losing any further identity in my search for one.
Writing under a name not given, but chosen, picked like cherries,
And not wanting liberation from anything other than myself.
 
Realizing maybe this is the meaning of grown, or maybe this is the meaning of trapped.

Coping

Goodbye bottle number one,
You were not full enough,
My glass sat half empty,
My mind still half full.
Bottle one, you were sweet,
You were smooth.
A hint of cinnamon,
A calmed anger,
A giggly outlook,
For a moment.

Well hello bottle number two,
And bottle three.
Bottle two not even half full,
Bottle three not barely touched.
Let's share stories,
Laugh, cry, shout, scream.
I don't like your flavour
Bottle three,
But bottle two is lacking.

Which mixer now?
Eenie, meenie - this, that,
Why choose, I'll swap,
I'll change it up,
That bottle isn't important,
Two and three are!
I might sleep tonight,
Or I might wake up
Over and over,
Just like last night.

Can I spend every night here?
Numb enough to smile,
Broken enough to cry.

The Corner

Folded delicately in the corner of the room,
Limbs collapsed around each other,
Coordinated in the most triumphant defeat,
And holding the empty treasure chest loosely.

The corner is dark.

Perched gently upon trembling limbs,
Facing introspectively, hiding from sight,
But searching for the last piece of gold,
Or the last diamond hidden inside.

The corner is dark and lonely.

Holding up the crumbled shell,
Two porcelain feet jut out,
The tips curled over and cramped,
But not strained by its empty container.

The corner is dark, lonely, and cold.

Silence Has No Meaning

Sat in a world,
Filled with noise and conversation,
My brain screams for silence.
A reprieve from the nonsense,
From the clutter and disarray.
To be sat in contemplation,
Reflection of current states,
Past events and future deeds.
I yearn for time and peace,
To sit and ponder,
To think about what my life really means,
What my actions will incur,
Where my choices will lead.
Is it dumb luck?
Or I am exercising control?
Is it nature or nurture?
Fact or fiction?
What is the meaning of everything?
 
Sat in a room filled with chatter,
People making idle small talk,
I pray for silence.
For people to keep and hold,
In all of the pointless natter,
To really think about the words,
The meanings and the purpose,
For speech is a gift misused,
And silence is a word often abused.
There is no need for silence to be filled,
For it to be disgraced,
By the social nervousness,
And the discomfort,
That shrouds its being.
Sometimes, to sit together,
With no words,
Is all we need.
 
Sat in a stadium full of fans,
Their shouting and blaring,
Then we are asked for silence.
To bow our heads and pay respects,
For many have fallen,
And congregation is the only time,
The only place,
For us to all fall silent,
Even though that time is limited.
Should silence truly be for the fallen?
And owed to the dead?
If so, then why are we all so loud!
Why are we all so concerned?
So confused at those in silence?
 
Sat in a theatre,
Where noise is precise,
And I hang on the silence.
Perfect moments, movements and words,
All extenuated, pronounced, explained,
By those simple moments.
Those eloquent pauses,
Where no sound is present.
It is like some kind of god,
Has done the spring cleaning,
Removed all the unnecessary babble,
And allowed us to notice the value,
Of that which is left unsaid.
And the audience,
From kindness and respect,
Sit there, eyes fixated,
Focused and bewitched,
All in silence.
 
Sat up in bed,
The streets but barren and calm,
I hate the silence.
I long for a melody to take my ear,
And softly sing me to sleep.
A gentle noise,
Twisted in the words of a lullaby.
For I hate this silence,
For silence is empty.
Silence is nothing.
Silence has no meaning,
Yet it purposefully bothers me,
Meaningfully taunts me,
Beckons me and turns me away.
It may have no meaning,
But it is far from purposeless.

Separate Duality

The states are incomparable,
The calculated intellectual,
Genius beyond all marks,
And the heartfelt emotive,
Embodiment of an empath.

Is this duality of self,
Truly inseparable in life?
Or are they humanities mark
Of man's bipolarity?

Does the intellectual function
Upon emotional grounds?
Or does the empath employ
Compassion upon reasoned basis?

Is true harmony expressed
Betwix the numerous lobes and Cortexes?
Or does one central focus
Outweigh the neurological development?

Is cognitive ability a separate,
Harmonious, isolated duality?

In The Rain

He stands in the rain,
Palms up to the sky,
and he SCREAMS.

Water rolls down his skin,
tracing new paths on old,
As the sky cries his tears.

His chesty breath, hitches,
says not but one word,
why?.. must the clouds collapse?

Does the sky know?
Is this pain mutual?
He just stands there.

All of lives work,
Summed up in one thing...
This man in the rain.

He begins to laugh,
perhaps it's insanity?
Or is he sanity in action?

I don't know for sure,
but there's one thing I do...
He just stands. In the rain.

Disappointment

My dearest Armistead,

Why are you wearing this façade?
You know without me,
You crumble.
We together, as should always be,
Place purple ink lines and curves
On ice white paper,
To form resolution from heartache,
Reason, from mental confusion.
Give up the game!
You need to release those feelings.
Don't bottle up, or ignore me.
The delightful duo, us together,
Make words flow from letters.
I'm disappointed.

You haven't visited me lately,
Have you forgotten me?
How when life throws a curve ball,
We've always written it out,
Iterated logic from feelings.

Please, write back,
It's our survival.
Your sanity, expression, explanation.
I worry for you.

All my deepest concerns,
Armistead

Are There Cradles in Heaven?

The unborn soul haunts me,
Digging claws in deeper.
Pulling my feelings into contortion.
Why aren't they in Heaven?
Has she brought them here?
I wanted to be a good mother,
I wanted to hold her when she cried,
It was my fault I couldn't,
Not hers.
I was careless and stupid and young.

Are there cradles in Heaven?
Does a better person rock her to sleep at night?
Do they tell her she is loved and cared for?
Does she know I love her and I'm sorry?
Do they tell her I'm her mother?
Or am I the devil who left her there forever?

It's hard to be a woman
When you should have been a mother.
I'm in no high regard with God,
I'm written on none of the entry lists,
I accept this duly.

Has she grown at all?
She'd be older now, right?
Or is she cursed to her prenatal form?
Does her daddy visit her?
Does he look into her eyes with love?
Or does he avoid her gaze from hating me?