Tag Archives: grief

Void

Posted on by
Reply 
We used to sit and talk,
Until the late hours.
But tonight I sit alone,
A cold void next to me,
My only company,
A cigarette, lit of strawberry,
Like the ones we ate in the summer.

Tonight no laughter,
No giggles at the trivial.
You used to stroke my hair,
And say 'Baby,
'You should get some sleep.'
I'd laugh, I knew,
Really you were tired.

We'd lie on the bed,
Gazing at the ceiling,
As if it was a star lit sky,
Repeatedly say goodnight,
And laugh between.
Perhaps exchange tender kisses.

But no kisses tonight,
No repeated good-nights,
No childish laughter.
Just emptiness, void.

Maybe I'm always looking,
To find you again,
To have those times.
But I won't find you.
I need to relearn love,
It's differences, it's newness.
But I won't open my heart,
Not yet, I'm not ready.

I've loved others,
Made love with others,
But the depth, complexity,
Is missing, empty.

My whole heart buried,
Beneath the grass we led on,
One day I'll let go enough,
To take it back.
But I find solace,
​In the void it leaves.

Internal Anguish

Posted on by
Reply 
For so long I've formed pain,
Held it within my four walls,
Within the structure of myself.

I learned this to be unhealthy,
Destructive to my personality,
So I believed expression was key,
To let it all flow freely,
Unfiltered, from my lips.

You encouraged me to talk,
I reciprocated such action,
Believing you willing to listen,
And knowing my ears are open.

As I learned to open up,
Began to find release,
I faced judgement, more pain.
You couldn't deal with what I held back.

I'll be no fool again, like this,
All previously thought progression,
Now clearly regression.
So I apologize for my blindness.

I'll not let the world know my pain,
I'll keep my internal anguish,
Even if I crumble inside, then out,
It must be less than external hate.

I'll retreat back to myself,
Keep in my bubble, where I'm safe.
Never to be scolded again,
By a fire that others fuelled.

I'll embrace my internal anguish,
Understand it as my only companion,
Never to be betrayed by tongues,
Relaying information untrue,
Or turned, or twisted, or even honest.
People cannot cope with my pain,
So I'll no longer seek advice.

The End 15-8-15

Posted on by
Reply 
We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel tank pierced,
Petrol dripping.
He sits in the driver’s seat,
You sit next to him.
I find a match,
A small piece of wood
And with the first
I light the second.
Wood, unlit end first
Pushed under the car.
I get in the backseat.
I cry, I'm scared.
You look back.
You nod.
Smoke. No flames.
No noise.
No end.


We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel take pierced,
Petrol dripping.
You take my hand
Comforting my cries.
I nod.
He sits in the driver’s seat.
You sit in the passenger’s seat.
I light a plank of wood,
I place it below the car.
I sit in the backseat.
I wait and wait.
I'm crying and crying.
You reach back.
You give me your hand.
You tell me you're sure,
That you'll be there,
You'll hold my hand to the end.
That you've seen it,
The cruelty of the world,
That it's enough.
We wait.
No smoke, no fire.
No end.


We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel tank pierced,
Petrol dripping.
You hold me close.
Lead me to the backseat.
I sit, crying and broken.
You sit beside me,
Warm, comforting.
You hold me while the pain
Escapes through the silent,
Distraught, and shattered sobs.
He used the wood,
To trail,
Line,
Trace.
The petrol, his instrument,
The final piece of art.
He lights the end.
He walks to the car.
He sits in the driver’s seat.
You stroke my hair as you watch
Flames dancing in smaller circles
That stop. Too Early.
No continuance.
No End.


We enter the room.
Car running in the center,
Fuel tank pierced.
Petrol dripping.
You tell me it's okay.
I listen.
He takes my hand.
He leads me forward.
He knows what comes after.
You sit in the driver’s seat.
He and I trail the petrol.
One straight line.
We light the end.
He sits in the backseat.
I sit next to him.
Calm, collected.
You say nothing.
You mean nothing.
You show nothing.
He holds me in an embrace.
Kisses the top of my head.
Tightens his grip around me.
I know he loves me.
You mean nothing in your silence.
I look at you,
Silently beg for a word,
A murmur, a mumble.
I ask for your hand.
You move.
​You open the door.
I beg you with my tears.
You put your leg out.
I crumple into him.
You leave the car.
His grip holds me.
I call out your name.
He comforts me.
You walk away.
He wipes every tear.
You pause once.
I look up.
You walk on.
He pulls me closer.
You leave the room.
The fire spreads,
Engulfs - Consumes.
You close the door.
You regret.

The car explodes.
The flames dominate.
He guides me on.
He knows this place.
He tells me he missed me.
I grip his hand.
This is it.
The End.

Indescribable

Posted on by
Reply 
If it were only possible,
I would put it in a way,
A concise, simple way,
Then you'd understand.
Then you'd know the fear,
Of drowning with no water,
When no droplets are present.
Of feeling the air, empty,
Leave your lungs,
With no replacement breath.
Then you'd see,
That black shroud of an umbrella,
I carry around with me.
It doesn't close, won't or can't.
I'm always under its covers.
Then you'd notice it,
When the sun shines through,
I reach for it, try to grab it.
But also how I hurt,
When I can't take any with me.
How terrible it is to see joy,
Knowing how good it feels,
But no feeling it.

Then you'd feel the terror,
The pure horror of loneliness.
The madness it ensues,
The longing it forms inside.
But also the pain it causes,
When the mind turns to itself,
Filled only with hate,
Wishing for pain. Then the guilt,
Not for sin, for selfishness.
Knowing others would be better
At living this life than you,
And yet, wanting so badly,
Not to have it anymore.

Don’t Hate Me

Posted on by
Reply 
My Darling,
          Please don't hate me,
          Blame my mind, not me,
          I want life, please,
          My emotions don't understand.

My Love,
          Don't listen to the past,
          I know I nearly broke the promise,
          But not this time.
          I won't break the skin.

My Darling,
          As empty as I feel,
          I won't, I couldn't, I can't,
          No matter how much,
          I want to see you again.

My Love,
          It dances in my mind,
          Now and again. But no!
          Not a blade, or a pill,
          Not a jump, or a rope.

My Darling,
          I won't leave here early,
          I'll let you collect me,
          When my time is right,
          To return to your arms.

My Love,
          But I want to so badly,
          Please don't hate me,
          It's just a desire,
          I'll fend it off.

My Darling,
          I won't do it,
          I'll keep the promise,
          I'll wait.
          Don't hate me.

One Last Goodbye

Posted on by
Reply 
The ground was meant to be the foundation,
But it swallowed my foundation whole,
Taking the last part of my will.

I could deal with not knowing,
I have my own place for you,
But now it's only
Trepidation in my gut.
No more butterflies,
No more tears.

Was I right?

Is that really where you are?
The real place you lie?
Even though you are in my heart.
I want to crawl beneath the surface world.
For one last goodbye.

Painful Shore

Posted on by
Reply 
The water trembles between my toes,
But the tide is yet to move,
Comforting solace repels the waves.
Sun holding itself from truth.

The sand here burns, melts away breath,
Chastising the silence, making it screech and bend.

But the water is cooling.
The tide is calming.
The waves bring comfort.
The sun still holds the truth.

The day time twists, pulling tightly,
Taking the last part of itself to keep for sure.

But the water has gone.
No tide exists, no waves.
The sun has set.

No Looking Back

Posted on by
Reply 
The roads are winding,
Green fields are forever passing by,
The highest buildings-
Tickling across the skyline.
No. Looking. Back.

New faces meeting kindly,
Old faces repressed and forgotten,
Habits lost with the new face,
Feelings fade in each new place.
No. Looking. Back.

No-one knows, no-one ever will,
It's our secret to keep,
I won't tell and I know you can't,
We'll both take it to our graves.
No. Looking. Back.

Time ran out, sand blew off.
The sun still burns my eyes,
The warmth that wraps you,
Wraps her tightly too.
No. Looking. Back.