Walking, slowly, softly, quietly. Alone, at peace, content. I, myself, me. Feel, acknowledge, notice, sense. A, just once, solitary, Pull, tug, drag. Dark, cruel, painful. And, especially, definitely, Not, isn't, can't be. Safe, clear, true.
The water is rising, It was at my ankles, I could cope, even at my knees, I could cope. Now it's by my neck. The temperature, not hot, Not cold, not neither. It's the grasp. Firm. The push. Heavy. I can't cope. Not this high, Not when I can't breathe, Not when I can't shout, I can't call out. The paralysis starts. At first it's just numb. It feels weird to move. But I can do it. It increases, debilitates, holds back. First my head won't lift, Then my legs curl up. Then Freeze. My core feels empty. My arms wrap around me, Embraced and unmoved. I can't move, my will has gone. My eyes shut, still. The hatred boils, At no-one outside, Directed only inside, Every word I say, wrong, Every breath, too loud, Every tear, pathetic, Every ounce of pain, deserved. No happiness owed, Just hatred to the self.
Every word is venom, Nothing Pleasant, Just a hiss, a seething, Everything good decays, Your presence burns it alive, Rips the flesh from every piece of bone, Taking any aspect of soul, Only a carcass left. The vile nature, The putrid lies, All inhabit you to the very core, boiling and bubbling away. A cadaver before you, yet, Nothing but a laugh, a smile, Are you proud? Is it really just pride? Are you so demented, twisted, disturbed, hateful? In fact, I know, You embody everything that holds spite within its name, not because it embodies you, No, you embrace it. You welcome it. You encourage it to be. You sit so smugly, Killing everything that lays there, mutilating everything sweet, Until the sour you place within it burns like acid on the skin. Well, F*CK YOU! You can burn this world, Take it with your venom, Slow its beating heart, To match the stand still of your own. If you have a heart. The callous words your tongue tries to meld into the calling of the trees and the cold wind, Shows your inhumanity.
Why does it hurt to love you so much? And know my love is not returned. It's like being the beggar in a gallery, Falling for a painting, Knowing it will never be a centre-piece In the hallway. Why does it hurt to love you so much? Knowing it's just my heart. To see you in pain burns my soul, Because you have no obligation to it, No cause or reason, it feeds desire, To protect, to comfort, to hold. Why does it hurt to love you so much? Even if I'm just another person. No matter how much I think I know, I will never be let it. You torture yourself as I watch, In this twisted horror picture show. Why does it hurt to love you so much? Yet I swear you just want my pain. It is your desire to feel normal, You listen, purely to know you're not alone. Not to fully care I know. Why does it hurt to love you so much? To have had you in my arms, To have been in your arms, To have felt that content, In myself, in my company. And yet, Know it will never be mine
Hearing your voice, Made me rediscover: The wonders of smooth jazz, How the notes seamlessly, Easily, twist and turn. How the double bass, With it's step ladder pluck, Eases my soul. How the saxophone, Can take my emotions, And blend them into one Continuous flow of joy. Hearing your laugh, Made me rediscover: The beauty of sunshine. How it gives the gift of life, Of light and growth. How when I see it, When I feel its warmth, I am content and graced. How its rays turn to my skin, Bronzes it a soft golden tan, And leaves tender kisses of health, To my next few days. Seeing your face, Made me rediscover: The beauty of all forms of art. How an artist, with his brush, Uses tone and shade as expression. How a musicians plays, With every ounce of himself, Bearing all to an audience. How a poet, takes words, Not for granted, but as gift, Tools from our cognitive ability, To share, express, to feel. Your warm embrace, Made me rediscover: Just who I am. How my loyalty always stands, For those I care about. How I'd willing lay down my life, To save, protect and guarantee, My loved ones thrive. How I see the world, Observe people, watch closely, To find the inner beauty, Which all possess
Let's get a bottle of wine and talk about it over dinner, It's going to be a hard pill to swallow. I'll have to stick to my guns. In fact, let's get two bottles of wine, one each, You will probably hate me for what I'll say. I've got to, for me, for once, be truthful. Screw it, let's get a third bottle of wine. This will be too hard to say without a drink. I can do this, but I don't know if you can. Sod it, three bottles of wine, but no dinner, I don't want to cook. The truth already fills my mouth, Already churns my stomach. Everything is going to change beyond belief. Right, okay, three bottles of wine, And we'll talk over the phone. I can't sit and watch the truth sodomise your heart. I have to say it out loud though. Never mind. No Wine. No Dinner. No Phone call. Just talking, painful, pitiful talking. About how I can't do this, It's time to walk away. Time to leave.
I'll admit, I'm Picky, Options don't suit me, Choices are too many for my liking. Two, three or over four, I'm purely indecisive. Staying is an option, I'd be at liberty to take, Should life stop pushing and pulling, Because I'll be honest, Leaving is the worst. I'd say I love him, But I'd be lying, Especially when I know how I feel, But I daren't say, Life is not that easy. I'd say I love you, But my lips won't, My heart betrays them like that. The option's there, My soul thinks so too.
The ground was meant to be the foundation, But it swallowed my foundation whole, Taking the last part of my will. I could deal with not knowing, I have my own place for you, But now it's only Trepidation in my gut. No more butterflies, No more tears. Was I right? Is that really where you are? The real place you lie? Even though you are in my heart. I want to crawl beneath the surface world. For one last goodbye.
Earth draws in, The air tightens, The fire burns bright, The water eases slightly. The earth calls out, The air evades its own space, The fire bubbles and burns, The water dances on the surface. The earth, pulls, The air, leaves, The fire, sizzles, The water, flows.
Where should I stand, In the corner? Head bowed Trying to prove my guilty side, That it was always right? Where should I stand? Behind the pews? Hands clasped Asking for forgiveness from a god That I never believed. Where should I stand? In the middle of the ocean? Chest tight Breath choked out of my lungs, like the truth. Where should I stand? On a sandy beach? Toes spread Celebrating my only victory of Conquering my own mind. Where should I stand? Before your eyes? Nervous - shaking Waiting to be judged - scolded, Applauded - hated - loved. Where do I stand?
The Poet Armistead 